Thanksgiving with the Family...and with Alzheimer's

Eddie Benfield & Kim McFall Benfield, Benjamin Cox,
Cheryl McFall Cox & Irby Cox, Jordan & Matthew Cox


Benjamin, Papa, Jordan and Matthew

Daddy's beloved Harmony playing with him. She was

trying her hat on him!

Cheryl & Irby

Benjamin, Cheryl, Irby, Jordan & Matthew

Jordan, Matthew, Chery, Irby, Benjamin

Thanksgiving was a wonderful time for our family. All our kids were with us at my Dad and Joyce's for 4-5 days. Because Daddy is declining so quickly, the time is ever so precious to us. The kids actually stayed with Kim to keep things as normal as possible at the house for Daddy.

We had a huge family gathering for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my uncle's. About 33 extended family members and special friends were all together.

The day after Thanksgiving, I was privileged to stay with Dad part of the day so that Joyce could get out and shop with the girls while the guys played golf. Another day we took Cox family pictures at various picturesque locations for our 2009 Christmas card. (This is our 29th consecutive year to send a family picture card!! Movies, Texas Hold 'Em, Niney burgers, and great visiting rounded out our time together.

Concerning my dad's condition right now: Early in November, his neurologist explained that he has an additional dementia caused by the Alzheimer's called "semantic dementia." This quite literally has caused him to lose his dictionary. This was the very first symptom he complained of about a year before his actual diagnosis, and it makes him appear to be even further along than he is. In addition, the dr. believes he has experienced what is called the "cognitive reserve theory." This is where an person of above average intelligence is able to compensate and thus, "appears" to be normal for sometime after they actual have Alzheimer's. In truth, my Dad probably did this for as long as two years before his actual diagnoses. There comes a point, however, where they simple can't function at that level any longer, and appear to decline very quickly. That's where we are.

Daddy is very sweet, but very quiet. He laughs...sometimes out loud at Kim or at Irby!!! He has learned to say a lot with his hands. He speaks, but it is enormously difficult. Early the first day we were there, I told him I loved him. He looked right at me in, what I KNEW, was a moment of clarity, and tried to say he loved me too. Instead, after not being able to say what he wanted, he began to weep. It just crushed me...I rushed to his side to assure him that I knew what he wanted to say and that I was absolutely positive that he loved me too!! Another time, he looked very puzzled at me, and I asked him if he knew who I was...and he usually does..although he says, "You're the second one!" or "You're the blonde one!" In this instance, he spoke so clearly and said, "Of course, you are the cute little girl in the tutu!" Indeed, his favorite childhood picture of me was one when I was about 3, in a ballerina stance with a tutu!

His small granddaughters enter the back door of their house yelling "PAPA!" all the way to his chair to hug him and be hugged!! What sweet fun and energy they bring to him!!

Please pray for my Daddy and Mom Joyce when they cross your mind. He is gracious to allow people to help him, but his struggle is exhausting. I can't imagine his pain if he could see it himself. I can be grateful that he cannot. He never wanted to have to be taken care of...he's always been the one to take care of everyone else. Mom Joyce is so kind and so committed to his care. She has help 3 mornings a week to bathe and dress him. Additionally, a nurse visits twice a week to check vitals, and in Daddy's case, make sure the pneumonia (which he's had 3 times this past year) is not setting in. We feel now that a little more help may be needed...a couple more mornings and perhaps some hours in the evening while getting him settled for the night. We want to preserve Joyce's health and mental well-being as we experience this long goodbye with my Dad. She is naturally the one most affected by the emotional and mental loss of her partner of 38 years. It is excruciatingly sad for her at times. They have been totally and completely committed to one another through whatever life brings and had an especially close and sweet love.

Additionally, I'm so grateful for my sister, Kim, and brother in law, Eddie, who moved from NC to Mtn Home to be closer and help Daddy & Joyce. I wouldn't want to guess how Joyce and Daddy would handle this challenge without their ever-constant presence and willingness to do whatever it takes to make life easier for them. No job is too small or large for Kim and Eddie to attend to. They also bring me peace because of the distance. Additionally, sister in law, Amanda, step sister, Sonya, niece Heather, cousin Gail, and Uncle Johnny or Leigh space Joyce out at times when she needs a break or needs to attend to her own health.

Life is a mixture of blessings and pain...and life lessons. As we head toward a wonderful Christmas season, we feel blessed to know the Lord and to know the love of family and friends. We have been so blessed this past year, and always. We will be forever grateful.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~Melody Beattie